Dearest Elisse,
First off, you’re probably wondering where we got your beautiful name “Martha Elisse”. Well, we wanted to have a classic and modern touch in your name. Martha because it sounds “old” and it means “lady” in Aramaic. Plus your dad wants something derived from the bible and Martha happens to be a friend of Jesus’. Now Elisse because I watched this horror film “Insidious” while I was like 6 months pregnant with you. The name of the psychic - who’s by the way I thought was a bad*ss – is Elise. So there, your name basically means BAD*SS LADY! And you owe that to us! Btw, I’ll tell you what the * means when you’re twenty already.
It’s time to get serious... Elisse, you’re turning one in a few days. It seems like just yesterday when you were in my tummy and I would eat papaya and pineapple every night for you to have a nice skin. You know sayings. =) You’ll probably be able to read this like when, 2? 3, or 5 years from now? No one really knows. Just like no one knew when you’d have your first tooth, when you’d do your first step, what first real word you’d say, whose name you’re gonna first call. Those just all happened. But the most important thing that no one – not even I - knew or saw coming was how a little girl like you changed my life entirely. I want to show you how…
BEFORE & WHEN YOU CAME
Before you came, I was so bad at time management. I’d be late on some of my meetings, I’d forget doing my errands, I’d miss my dues, all because of doing other unimportant things and not knowing my priorities. When you came, I had everything listed down – my schedule, my daily tasks, my bills, your dad, and so on. And on top of them – YOU.
Despite my busy days at work, I still find time to pump your milk four times a day. I also use my pump time to read books. Believe it or not, it used to be so hard for me to finish (or start for that matter) a single book. But now, I’ve finished dozens since the day I started pumping. I’m just happy that I’m able to do worthy stuff that I was not able to do before, with you as my number 1.
Before you came, I would go out with my friends almost every night and drink a lot of this yellow-looking thing called beers (it tastes really bad and not good for the health). When you came, I decided to cut it off. Not only because it’s bad for me, but also because it’s bad for you. As you know, you drink milk straight from my breast. When I drink beer, it goes all the way to my breast and mixes with the milk that you take. So that makes it a “bad milk” for you. To give you a healthier milk, I started to eat right and pursue running as my exercise. I would join races and imagine you waiting for me at the finish line. =) Geez, I have never felt healthier.
I admit I still drink beers on some occasions but I make sure that I have stored enough “clean breastmilk” for you to enjoy.
Before you came, I would buy anything for myself - food, drinks, gadgets, shoes, clothes, everything. I would even travel out of the country every year. When you came, I don’t buy new stuff anymore unless necessary. I haven’t travelled since 2015. I envy your Ninang Trina whenever she makes a trip to the states. In fact, she’s asking me if I can go this time and I said I still can’t. But you know what? You now have a brand new home - our very own condo. And we’re moving in next week or so. =) That’s probably where you’re reading this letter right now. All the money that your dad and I didn’t spend for ourselves went there. We have no regrets at all. I know It’s gonna take time for us to “spend” again, but believe me you will understand when you grow older.
Before you came, I could not control my temper. I lose my patience so easily. Your dad can tell you more about it. I bet he can write 100 pages about his experience. =) My temper would turn me into a completely different person, a person who I usually hate. When you came, well I still have my temper and I think that won’t go away, but the good news is that I have time to close my eyes and shut my anger when I think of you. I admit that you sometimes get into my nerves then I shout, frown and get upset. My outburst is evident. Sometimes it takes a while for me to realize how awful my actions are but I feel remorse. Remorse – something I once never knew.
Before you came, I had my life – family, work, and friends. I was simply happy and all was right. When you came, I see wonderful colors around me! I see things far differently now. Whatever I do, it is always you that I think of first. It is not about my own life anymore. It’s about my life as your mother. All I know is that life turned out to be so much better when you came -- I love your dad even more, I love all the people I love even more, and most especially, I love myself, my life even more. It is all because of you. IT IS NOW ALL FOR YOU.
Happy 1st birthday [in advance], my love! Please remember that I will never get tired of loving you.
PS: Sorry for writing to you this early.
XX,
Mommy
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